Featuring the Hooshes, Schrewrs, Zhawaswhans, Hoodahans, Fafabous, Corinnas, Conocos, Kittennas, Moushies, Dudladooshes, Foosh, and other utter absurdities!!!!!!
Dedicated to my little sisters
Our First Rescue
The sirens blared loudly as they relayed to us the bad news. We were about to be involved in the violent rescue of the Schrewrs from the evil hands of the Zhawaswhans and Fafabous. Schrewrs were little, cute, sweet elephant-like aliens who lived on purple, pink, sparkly Planet Bunbun. My team of Hooshes and I were very excited to save the lives of thousands of baby Schrewrs.
I began to wonder why the Fafabous had suddenly turned evil, really. After all, they weren’t generally mean – just neutral, mildly cute, quite pretty, and nice. Well, we’d figure that out when we got there!
When we got to our destination, Planet Layr, where the Zhawaswhans and their sidekicks, the Dudladooshes, live, we realized that the place was in utter chaos. Mother Schrewrs ran out of their houses, crying, and Schrawrnas (extraterrestrial police cars) were everywhere. How would we make the rescue in the middle of all this hullaballoo? We decided to meet with the Zhawaswhans and Fafabous and see what it was that they wanted. Perhaps we could bargain with them. Besides, it was better to solve the problem in peace instead of letting a war break out among us.
Once I began talking, I saw how bad the situation actually was. It was simply, utterly beyond belief! The Zhawaswhans had hypnotized the Fafabous into thinking of revenge as the top priority. How terrible! Well, now I had two problems on my hands – the highly urgent one of rescuing the Schrewrs, and undoing the Fafabous’ trances.
We soon realized that the kidnappers were only holding the Schrewrs for ransom. They thought that since everyone loved their baby Schrewrs so much, they would offer large sums of Quafas (the Bunbun currency) to get them back. Then the Zhawaswhans and Fafabous would take the money and return the baby Schrewrs! But the sum of Quafas they were asking for almost made our entire team fall flat onto our poor faces. §6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000! We most certainly didn’t have the money for that, even if it meant saving the whole Schrewr race!
Together, my team of Hooshes and I devised our ingenious plan. Actually the Hoosh team leader thought of it. The team told it to me in excited giggles, and we knew exactly what we each had to do.
With a laser beam I made the blueprints for the counterfeiting machines. The build was so complex, the notes really did look real. Then I welded together our first model with some scrap steel. After a while, we had an entire army of machines!
We stacked the notes neatly into a small black-leather suitcase, rich-guy style. And then we showed it to the Zhawaswhans and Fafabous.
When they saw the money, their greedy, beady little eyes gleamed. Their ugly mouths drooled bright green spit. Their turquoise tongues hung out and curled into grotesque little balls.
During that time, we happily loaded the baby Schrewrs into our spaceship, Endeavour Hooshry. (I thought of that name randomly.) Though all of them had survived, they were starving, so we fed them analans, which are small sandwiches filled with ashushwans (appatwan-flavored candy). When we got back to Planet Bunbun, we installed hi-tech security systems in each Schrewr household, just in case. Not that the Zhawaswhans and their gangs will be back anytime soon, because it takes 666,666,666,666,666,666,666,666,666,666,666 light years plus 666,666 astronomical units of space for them to reach Planet Bunbun! J
Now, of course, I had, unfortunately, not yet undone the Fafabous’ trances. I apprehensively and forcefully pushed the entire gang, with my team’s help, into the confines of our ship. They rubbed their greedy little hands together and stared up at us mischievously. I scowled at them fiercely and then ordered one of my gang to bring in a case of special makeup – where eye shadow, eyeliner, lip liner, mascara, nail polish, overcoat, foundation, concealer, glow blush, regular blush, lipstick, lip gloss, facial cream, and other cool cosmetics were contained. Fafabous like makeup, but it wasn’t that I wanted them to notice. It was the makeup brand names.
Estee Lauder, Revlon, Clinique, Avon, L’Oreal, Maybelline New York, Lancôme Paris, and a hundred other tantalizing words were inscribed on the various cosmetics. It was just so tormenting for the poor Fafabous to have to sit there while I waved the makeup in front of their incidentally hideous, deformed, drooly faces.
One by one, the wretched creatures fell asleep, lulled and done in by the sweet sight of the makeup brand names.
Then, I ordered the band in.
You see, when a person (or rather, creature), is hypnotized, it takes quite a bit of work to wake them. I tried absolutely everything with the Fafabous. I opera-sang. I had the band perform a Handel sonata. I had them perform Bach, Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Clementi, and so many others. Still to no avail! It was ever so aggravating.
Then, as a last remedy, I resorted to rather puerile and annoying tactics. I called over the Corinnas. The Corinnas are charming, beautiful anime characters that live on their own planet in the Fa ’n Ba Galaxy. This planet revolves around the beloved star we all share, Andwea, named for the Schrewrs’ bad phonics skills, but it’s called Planet Cashuana. It’s a peaceful, windy place, with gorgeous girls in satin dresses, eating cupcakes and icecream sundaes, hanging around on rocks by the seaside. Oh yeah, and the sound of the wind rustling through the fir trees is also amazingly dreamy.
Anyway, enough of talking about Planet Cashuana, no matter how wonderful it is. Let’s get back to what we did with the Fafabous.
The Corinnas’ awesome fashion senses and lovely Hooshris Hilton (Paris Hilton in English) perfume lured the Fafabous to wake up. Their faces morphed back to the normal, rather attractive look they’d had before. They had no idea whatsoever of what had happened.
I stared at the Fafabous, all sixteen of them. I felt way better. They looked pretty now, with long pink-and-blue hair down their backs and neon green punk dresses. I shook my own neon green bangs out of my face and stared at the creatures pityingly.
And as fate would have decreed, after the famous rescue, an allergic reaction to my mascara made both my eyes swell tightly shut so that I couldn’t open them at all.
Oh, no! We couldn’t believe the news. It made us scream furiously and beat our heels against the walls of the Endeavour Hooshry in anger and frustration, causing severe destruction to her anatomy. How could we have ever been so incredibly forgetful?! My rescue team of Hooshes and I were devastated. I was almost unconscious, it was such a bad eruption of absolute hysteria. I’m allergic to anything related to panic, and that only made it worse.
The Zhawaswhans had come back, and they had made very significant scientific improvements in their space shuttle that enabled them to get to us quicker. Oh, you don’t know what I’m talking about, do you? Well, about a month ago the Zhawaswhans and another evil group, the Fafabous, had kidnapped hundreds – no, thousands – of baby Schrewrs (baby elephant-shaped aliens living on Planet Bunbun). Being a sensible rescue group, the Hooshes and I decided to resolve the absurd situation peacefully and comfortably. After a long and strenuous argument, the Zhawaswhans and Fafabous eventually decided to return the Schrewrs if we paid them a mathematically indescribable amount of Quafas (the currency we use). So we made counterfeiting machines that print out fake Quafa bills, and we got all of the baby Schrewrs – yes, all of them, safely back home. It was an unforgettable moment. The techniques we used were highly questionable, but we didn’t mind that. In fact, the whole thing was rather enjoyable. Mission accomplished!
We had even installed hi-tech security systems in the Schrewr homes. But the Zhawaswhans had destroyed them! And instead of Fafabous, they had brought with them the cruel Dudladooshes! Whatever were we to DO?! Seriously! The cheek of these idiotic creatures!
Did I mention we were sensible? Anyway, being the sensible people we were, my team and I tried similar tactics to the ones that we had tried before. But it turned out that the Dudladooshes were microscopic, aquatic creatures that could not talk but had evil intentions. What bad luck! And the Zhawaswhans would not speak for them.
I soon realized that the only thing that would work for this case would be a brave escapade. Without any real plan and no super supplies except atomic bombs, laser beams, blades, extra-speed body suits, sparkly cannons, landmines, semiautomatic weapons, and maybe…well…a few other things, we set out.
I directed my fleet of supersonic fighter-jets straight into the middle of Planet Layr, which is where the Zhawaswhans live. Unfortunately, we flew out of space and straight into trouble! Immediately, the enemies spotted us and tied the entire team up. It was useless to try to get free. Only then did I spot a strange-looking creature hidden in a tree – well, if you could call it a tree. It was more like a bright orange trunk with a hot pink-and-purple-sparkly tuft of fluffy, fuzzy material. I called to the strange creature and when I had it safely sitting in my hand, I shoved some chocolate at it and asked it if it knew how to set us free. The creature stared at me for a moment, then slowly shook its purple head and scampered away.
We stayed there until nightfall. Then suddenly, I saw hundreds of luminescent red eyes staring at me! I couldn’t help it. I screamed bloodcurdlingly. The owners of the eyes, who appeared to be mini-duplicates of the Strange Creature I saw earlier, jumped off the tree and began to crawl all over me! But I soon quieted down, for they patiently gnawed through my ropes on command.
We planned a secret night attack on the enemies in hushed voices. The details of the war I should really keep behind closed doors, for it was a disturbing sight. There was no real fighting, but I used my magical destructive voice-opera-singing-powers to set the Schrewrs free. That is to say, I opera-sang to shatter the glass on the Zhawaswhan’s windows. Zhawaswhans are very sound sleepers, and amazingly, they didn’t even stir! Within a few minutes, we had carefully driven the baby aliens who had been taken captive in ambulances during the dead of night. As soon as we had gotten them a safe distance from the evil hands of the Zhawaswhans, Fafabous, and Dudladooshes, we transported them home and tucked them in bed. The Schrewr mothers would have a pleasant surprise the next morning! I had left a note for each of them written in an ink made from some kind of unheard-of substance on their dressing-tables. Hopefully, the aliens were safe now. But who knows what might happen next? Stay tuned!
Nikki Drives Me to Distraction
It was an unbelievably hot day in the month of January. Foosh, the chief justice in the Hoosheme Court, fanned herself using a parasol. Her fashion fairy-type clothes only added to the inconceivable heat.
I was one of the associate justices. I was also dressed like a Hoosh princess, but I was on a secret undercover mission.
While that fashion-obsessed diva of a Foosh fanned herself and muttered “OMG!” over and over, I snuck out of the office. The case I was working on, Schrewranda vs. Hooshwright (Miranda vs. Wainright in English), could be postponed. I needed to save the Schrewrs from the evil underhand ways and techniques of the Zhawaswhans. Again!
The Schrewrs had been kidnapped from their homeland, Planet Bunbun. It had happened twice already, and the insistent hijacking was just beginning to instigate my fury. After a quick snack of ashushwan-flavored cereal, I called my fellow Hooshes and loaded them into the gracious interior of my gigantic, universe-traversing space shuttle, the Endeavour Hooshry. It was time to completely stop the inhumane invasion of the Schrewr territory for once and for all. Civilly. My team and I put our fuzzy, hooshy paws over each other and sang the Hooshnal Anthem, just like they do at the Olympics in London. My teammates saluted, and then we set off.
It didn’t take long for us to reach our destination. Most indubitably, our loot (albeit live loot) had been hidden somewhere in the deep, terribly dark, spooky, gloomy, remote corners of Planet Layr, where beetles, cockroaches, Dudladooshes (another species of minute, hideous, evil creatures), mosquitoes, June bugs, worst of all ANTS, and who knows what else might be hidden?
I stood on a horribly worn-down terrace and conversed shortly and stiffly with one of the Zhawaswhans. It was a great mercy that the rotten creature had let me discuss the matter. We always start our wars off courteously, except sometimes they get a little too out of hand! Anyway, we did get a little information out of them: Apparently the Schrewrs were hidden in the deep ocean that followed a most nauseating slime path. The Dudladooshes lived there, but I had no doubt that my team and I would defeat them. Still, we were mortal (unfortunately)! There was no telling what would happen to us.
I calmed myself by listening to the steady echo of Hoosh footsteps in the distance. One of my team members was inspecting my atlas. She walked towards me and showed me what she had found out.
Oh, no! The Dudladoosh Ocean was located on the other side of the planet. Time was running out rapidly. There was no telling what sort of maltreatment those innocent, adorable, elephant-shaped, fuzzy little babies were going through. I loaded up my detachable rocket immediately and had my crew get on.
I thought about the case as I stayed on the rocket. The kidnappings were a seemingly endless cycle. Kidnap, rescue, security system installation, destroying of the security systems, and then kidnapping all over again! It was enough to make any venerable Hoosh become so absolutely furious that they turn summersaults in the air multiple times. It’s a little-known fact that Hooshes do such inexplicable things when irked badly.
When we got to the ocean, we realized how deep it was. The Schrewrs would drown and die! But they must be in some sort of hospitality under the sea, for the Zhawaswhans only wanted them for their ransom.
I unleashed the super-speeding submarine from under my team’s rocket. Named the Survival Hooshility, it could go through any amount of atmospheric pressure.
Or so we thought.
When we first plunged in, the submarine cut through the water like a cyclone. My team was altogether very jovial, and we couldn’t believe our good fortune. But soon I found myself suspecting something, for the motor began to play Bach. This was ridiculously abnormal. Never in my whole hooshy life as a private rescuer had I seen something like this happen to any of my equipment.
Feeling thoroughly alarmed, I stopped the submarine, put on my Hoosh princess punk scuba gear, and stepped out to investigate. Now the Bach interlude had finished and Beethoven had begun. Almost instantly the Beethoven stopped, and to my amazement Mariah Carey hits blasted out from the speakers! I couldn’t believe my velvety little ears. After the Mariah Carey came Alicia Keys. And then along came Nikki Minaj.
Well, I just about jumped out of my fuzzy skin. The song, or actually noise, was so incredibly loud that it awoke all the pretty little mermaids up and caused them to cover their dainty ears with diamond earmuffs. I have never in my hooshy life enjoyed Nikki Minaj. As a matter of fact, I hate her so much she makes me get fly off the handle and go up in smoke! Quite literally!
My tight grip on the Survival Hooshility went totally slack. The submarine ricocheted up to the surface as the ocean simultaneously went hot, bright pink. Splashes of lavender ink amongst the blinding pink swirls indicated that I was about to get a coma even though they smelled like raspberries. Did I mention that hooshy smoke is a very pleasant sight and smell? A great tool to awaken the senses.
It must have awakened the Schrewrs’ senses, too, for suddenly they managed to break through their ropes and swim over to me. Sweet, shy mermaids came with them, and I realized that the Schrewrs had never been maltreated in the first place. They had been under the hospitable care of the mermaids all along.
After the smoke cleared, I took my cute and highly attractive gang up to my submarine and brought them with me to Planet Bunbun and back to their houses. It was an extremely enZoyable (enjoyable in English, except adapted to my sister’s name) reunion.
But really, it’s about time we completed the new and improved security systems, don’t you think? I guess that will be our next job!